i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
