Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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