Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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