We're facebook friends in real life
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
People in love make me want to vomit
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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