I just made out with a guy for $7.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
