not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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