why didn't you poke me back
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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