i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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