every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
