dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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