i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
