Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
