So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I didn't notice because vodka
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Everclear isn't food dammit
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
