don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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