they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
