finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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