If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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