you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
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