What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
