Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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