Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
