Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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