i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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