Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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