I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
