thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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