How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
