I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
He passed out mid-signature
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
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