My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
It's blow job season.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
