I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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