Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
