Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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