I can tuck mytits in my pants
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
