ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
There's a naked man in my car right now.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
