I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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