It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
