fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
