I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Randomize
