Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
