so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
