Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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