if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
