He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
