hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
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