If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
