If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
