I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Boobs are out for the taking
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
