You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
