Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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