Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
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