I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
