She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
