gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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