i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
